Feeling in the Way

from “The Presence Project” by Yunji Johanning

Where in your life do you shrink yourself without even noticing? Where do you toss out a quick “Sorry!” or make yourself smaller just to keep the world moving smoothly around you?

There is a little coffee shop where I live. I don’t go often, but on this day the sun was beating down on me, and I just needed something cold before finishing my walk home. I stepped inside, still overheated, and I was greeted by an eccentric barista who I had never met before. They were new, energetic, and very committed to eye contact.

I took my moment to figure out what I wanted to drink, and then I said my name was “Kim”.

Not my first name, I know.

You see, I have an uncommon name, and having an uncommon name comes with a slew of micro inconveniences. It’s like when you pick a dialogue option on a video game, and you just know giving the first answer will come with its own additional dialogue options. There’s no way to skip the cutscene and you’re locked into the conversation until the NPC decides they’ve said enough. I'll get comments like, “Oh wow, your name is so interesting! Where is it from? Let me guess! Is it Chinese or Japanese? Wow, it's so pretty! How do you spell that?”

Several mispronunciations later, misspellings, sometimes apologies or other random off brand remarks, and I’ve accumulated a line behind me so long that I feel embarrassed for being the reason why someone couldn’t get their bean juice right away. So yeah, I resorted to calling myself Kim in public. It’s fast. It gets me out of the way. It makes the transaction go faster. It lets me get out of awkward conversations and situations. It lets me slip through the world without becoming a spectacle.

But this barista? Oh no, he was NOT having it. He looked at me with the kind of stare that says, Girl… I know you’re lying.

“Tell me straight,” he said. “I SWEAR that’s not your real name, so spit it out. What is it... really?”

I chuckled, “Yunji is my first name. I just say Kim to be convenient.” I explain all of the above and we talk about where it's from.

Next thing I know, I’m getting a full-on lecture from my barista:
"Your name is beautiful, don’t you dare hide it. Who cares if it takes an extra few seconds to write down? Take up space, you deserve to be here just as much as anyone else in this world. Who cares if it takes ten hours! You do you, queen! Besides, you got there first. You’re not wasting anyone’s time."

He swiftly made my drink and brought it out to my table after I had paid. I looked down at the cup just thinking about all the tiny ways in which we move through the world apologizing for existing.

The quick “Sorry!” when you pass too close to someone. The instinct to shrink, to soften, to disappear.

Do you walk around feeling like you’re in the way?

I’ve started passing the message forward. Now, when someone feels like they're inconveniencing me for being too close and immediately apologizes, I tell them gently, if I have the chance: Own your space. You deserve to be here just as much as me or anyone else.

We should all feel safe enough to stand in our own power together.

Much love to you all.

Until next time,

Yunjiverse